The Declaration of Independence (Throw the Bums Out Edition)

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these People; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the Present Congress of United States is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

They have imposed their will upon the people in regards to the care of our own health, ignoring the wishes of the people and the laws upon which we rely for the preservation of our freedom.

They have made Backroom deals, Practicing the most Heinous of Political practices; Bribing, Arm-Twisting, and Vote Selling. By way of the “Louisiana Purchase” and the “Cornhusker Throwback” they have Proven this to be so.

They have practiced Hypocrisy of the utmost degree. They Promised among other things, Especially in the case of “Pro-Life” Democrats, to ensure that the HealthCare Bill would not be passed. The Majority have Reneged on this Promise to their constituents, proving Themselves Unworthy of the Sacred Trust vested in them.

They have enslaved those Most Esteemed members of the Community, the Doctors, Nurses, and Other Workers who take care of the sick, the injured, and the Dying. These may no longer work for Themselves and their Patients, but must now instead Spend their Lives laboring to obey mandates imposed upon them by the no-longer Federal Government.

They have deemed it Necessary to Take Private Property, that cornerstone of Freedom, whenever it suites them. A Doctor is no longer Owner of Their Talents, Banks must Answer to the Government, not their Clients, And Industry is Being Driven from this Nation by means of Government Interference.

They have displayed an Egregious Ignorance in Regards to Matters of Economics. One Cannot receive Something for Nothing. And Increasing Spending Cannot Decrease Debt. They have Spent the Money of the People recklessly, pouring Billions into Failed Programs with Alarming Frequency.

They have Enslaved the Young and Unborn Generations of this Nation. For the Federal Debt has been raised to the extent that only by sacrificing Half or More of our Lives, represented by our Earnings, can we hope to Decrease this Monstrosity of Government Spending.

They have Ignored the Tenth Amendment, addressing States, not as Powerful Entities in their Own Right, but as Subservient to the Central Government, having no true Power of their Own.

They have degraded their Own People. Labeling Peaceful Protestors as Violent, Racist, Extremist, and Dangerous despite Myriad Evidence to the Contrary. They have ignored the multi-racial, multi-party, cross-class, and cross Ages nature of those who oppose Their actions. This Contempt of the American People is more fitting of the Kings we once Overthrew than of Elected Officials.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Congress and President, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Main Stream Media brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by Congress’ legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the People of the United States of America, in Protest, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of Ourselves, solemnly publish and declare, That these United States are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from Obligation to uphold Unconstitutional Laws, and that all political connection between them and their current Representatives, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to Throw the Bums Out, elect Fair and Just replacements, to Preserve the Constitution by Voting in November, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.